Alone Time

I’m never quite sure how to respond when people ask if I’m an introvert or extrovert. I’m definitely happy being alone but totally energized by people. I can say for sure that when I have a lot on my mind that I prefer to be alone – the quiet stills my mind and lets me process my thoughts. The original plan for this trip was that John and I would be riding together chitchatting and telling jokes the whole way. Now that he has pivoted his plans and is providing support, I find myself with about six hours a day alone. I’m loving it.

Losing Chuck was huge. The last few weeks of his life were spent in a constant state of stress and worry. We both craved certainty about our decision but couldn’t find that until the very end. I desperately didn’t want to take anything away from him and begged for just one more day of his company. My time alone on this ride has really helped me process a lot of that. I can’t say that I feel any better but I can feel that my mind is beginning to rest. We are on the other side of an agonizing process and there is a real sense of relief.

It’s hard to write that. To admit that there is some peace in a loved one’s passing. But it’s true. As a caregiver, we forget about the impact that has on our lives. We don’t sleep well and the anticipated grief is terrible. Relief feels shameful but I know that it is all a part of this complicated process. A weight off of our shoulders. It wasn’t something that we wanted to be rid of. We carried the burden happily out of love for our dear friend but it was still very hard.

The weather has turned beautiful again. The wind is dying down and the sun is back out. I headed out for the 65 mile leg today feeling so thankful that I wouldn’t be freezing all day and getting knocked off my bike in the wind. I started the day by re-reading a sweet email that we received from Chuck’s foster family. Bryan had reached out to them to share the news and they sent the kindest note back. It was so wonderful to know that he was remembered and loved by everyone he touched.

The riding today was ideal. Still had some challenging headwinds but everything is relative after the killer storm we had. The route was a wonderful mix of gravel and road riding and included a stop at a local knitting shop that sold snacks. I had one of everything and it set me perfectly for the last 25 miles into our hot springs campsite. The springs felt wonderful on my sore legs and butt. We even had a microwave to make dinner prep super easy – such luxury! The campsite is filled with these huge military style camper vans. I’ve never seen anything like these things. We also ran into two more bike-packers. One of them is cycling around the world with a TON of gear on a steel frame bike. That thing must weigh 100 lbs. I’m proud of my ultralight light gear but John has asked me to keep my stinky kit outside at night. Fair enough. I shaved a lot of weight by bringing just one cycling outfit but it’s going on day 6 without a washing and needs some alone time too.